(1/31/21)
When I started this blog, I expected myself to write weekly. I wanted to share my world with the people reading it and help them feel understood. The first round of blogs I put out were about opening up; sharing what went on for years behind closed doors, and breaking the barrier between the perceived perfection of my life through online presence. It was an olive branch to those who only knew me at face value, to let them know that their struggles are not due to something being wrong with them. Suffering is indiscriminate. It was difficult for me to publish my most personal journals to the internet, for all to read and interpret as they may. But when I did, I felt free. Dozens of people came forward telling me how I’d impacted them, brought them to tears, feel less alone, and some even wrote me letters. The response made me feel so happy. I was successful not because of the foot-traffic on my site, but because I helped people.
With this in mind however, I felt an obligation to write. I felt I needed to keep everyone in the loop with my life, and found myself again chasing this image of perfection in my blogs. I wanted to think that when I wrote in my present life, I’d have all the answers to help others. But surprise! It doesn’t work that way.
So, my new goal is to write when I feel a chapter has closed. In the middle of my experiences, of course I won’t have all the answers! I’m human and trying to navigate as best as I can, which includes making a ton of mistakes. And that I did. To publish blogs in a state of confusion would be counterproductive, so although my blogs may be far few and between from now on, they will be significant. If I post a blog, it is because I’ve closed a chapter and I have the clarity to relay my experiences in a way that achieves the true purpose of my blog.
Today, I write to reflect on my last chapter which I titled “Who Am I If Not Who They Want Me To Be?” My last year was an important one. In life, learning what you don’t want is just as (if not more) important as learning what you want.
It was my senior year of high school. I spent the previous three years conforming to what I thought I should be. I dressed like the people around me, acted like the people around me, and became the people around me. When I started to explore a sense of individuality for the first time, it felt like I needed to do a 180 to be “myself”. I cut off my hair and threw out most of my clothes. I filled my closet with more things that fit into just a different subgroup of people. I swore Jordan’s and champion sets were the epitome of being “not-basic”. My friends and I parted ways and I started a new chapter of life around the time I started this blog. The changes in appearance at this point were minor, I just decided I really liked tigers so I would just buy a lot of that and that’s the “most me” I would get. I’d figured it out!
Wrong again. By the time summer hit, I had been sucked into the world of tik-tok fashion. I thought, “Surely this will make me different. Surely, I will be myself, the most individual!!!” I changed my appearance again to fit this group’s ideals. I changed all of my music, began to quote the latest audio as if it were the peak of comedy, and spent 9 hours on it every day. I cut my hair almost to my ears, dyed it unsuccessfully a weird shade of red that never quite came out, wore eyeliner and heavy blush, posted photos for an aesthetic, and bought clothing that was associated with a specific sub-group.
What I didn’t know is that all of these changes would add up. I got to a point where I was convinced my eye shape was wrong, and I could never not wear eyeliner or I’d look ugly. I wore lipstick every day and became convinced my natural lips were the wrong color, and I needed to wear it every day so that I will look pretty. I thought my natural hair color was too boring and I no longer looked pretty, so I dyed it black. In fact, I only felt comfortable in black because I was hiding. Color made me feel vulnerable and insecure. I thought the color white just didn’t look right on me. None of this is in my nature, and the face/body/identity dysmorphia became too much on my mental health.
The nature of the app is to addict you, and that it did. Only, it wasn’t feeding me positive things. Every week it was a new aesthetic I needed to fall into. Y2k, Alternative, Cottage-Core, Dark-Academia, City-girl style, Skater style, and the list goes on. And so, every time I Identified with something in an aesthetic, it was like everything I owned was again wrong. I was chasing something I could never catch because never once did I ask myself what I truly wanted. I had not realized that despite changing, I was not becoming an individual at all. I was becoming a chameleon.
None of these things are me. I was so concerned with not being “basic” that I ran from myself and reached a destination even farther from where I’d started. What I failed to realize at the time is that everyone is basic if they assign themselves to a group like that. These kids dress to be different from their peers, but if they’re all dressing the same what does that make them?
So, what does it mean really to be basic? Why is this such a loaded word? So loaded that many of us run away from only to fall right back into its arms? I’ve come to the conclusion that basic is not a what, it’s a how. An item of clothing, song, makeup style, etc. is not inherently basic. It is…exactly what it is. This scary word we run from is really the way at which you combine these things to form this sense of “self”. There is no self, if it is dictated by everything but the self.
As I said in the beginning, I am writing this blog because I successfully closed that chapter and I have the clarity to share with you. I realized that I am perfect the way I am. The way I was. I had to learn what I didn’t want, to learn what I truly do. I ran back into my own arms and felt at home in my own body for the first time in over a year.
I was able to complete the 360, only to find I was more myself than I wasn’t. It’s crazy how far we’ll go to change. How artificial we must become. I thought that to be the opposite was to be better, when all I needed to do was love myself and allow myself to evolve naturally. Patiently. But there are many roads to the same outcome. Although I feel joy, I think the most significant emotion is that I feel is a sense of consistency. I feel at ease. This is harder to reach than joy.
I have many different avenues of self, as we all do, that are allowed to be explored and expressed fully. I deleted all my social media, only returning to Instagram on my computer. Ive had tik-tok deleted for months and I absolutely hate it and the culture it’s created—a culture I so unknowingly fell victim to. I completely broke the ties to these groups of self-expressions. I no longer feel like I’m chasing something.
So, who am I now if not what they want me to be? I am someone who loves nature. Someone who needs nature. I’m someone who sees beauty in light and color. I’m someone who loves my skin and my hair and my eyes and my lips. I love others and I love myself. I listen to music that makes my heart beat fast, fluttering with joy. I am someone who loves having her curtains open to let the light filter in. I’m someone who loves to take care of her body and preserve good health. And most importantly I’m someone who is resilient with a strong sense of self. Someone who may stray time to time, but finds her way back with ease. Someone who rejects what does not belong, what does not promote love.
Our energy should be put into preserving our natural beauty, because once we accept ourselves as we are, we will not seek the nonexistent perfect self. The perfection already presides within us. Everything we need is already here.