*Trigger Warning*

The truth of the matter is that every path of healing that someone can take, will always include a relapse phase. They say this a lot for recovering addicts or eating disorders. People find shame in relapsing because they think it means they aren’t strong enough. I cannot express how untrue that statement is. I used to feel that way, until I realized that I am strong because I am still alive. I am still alive and I am still fighting for myself. Healing is not linear. For me, it really was two steps forward and one step back. 

A lot of times triggers and relapses are circumstantial. Personally, I am more likely to be triggered when I talk to someone new. That is because I’m in a situation where everything feels so familiar to my trauma. It manifests itself even where positive emotions should be present. Texting is incredibly triggering for me. In fact I would go as far as saying it my biggest trigger to this day. A lot of times I would wake up to texts that were incredibly traumatic to me. Every time I wake up in the morning, I am so anxious to check my phone because I’m expecting to see something that is heart shattering. This includes every time I nap or sleep in general. This is without talking to someone new. You can imagine the anxiety I must feel in that area. When you add in all the other factors, it is a very big leap for me to make if I decide to pursue someone.  It is so scary for me to open up to new people in my life especially romantically for these reasons. However, less and less is that becoming my reality. I get less and less anxious as time goes on. I am stronger day by day. Even though I have faced rejection and some hurt since then, every time I gain a little of myself back. While it is triggering, I learn something new every time. I learn new ways to cope. I learn what is healthy in a partner and what isn’t (I never had a healthy reference to work from). I understand there will be a certain level of discomfort for me for some time, but I will eventually overcome it. I learned to trust the process. In some instances, my triggers have worked in my favor. I would be feeling incredibly anxious and unable to figure out a reason when talking to someone. Later on I realized it was my body’s way of saying, “Hey! You’ve been in this situation before! Someone has made you feel like this! These aren’t healthy actions!” My body could feel red flags even before my mind can recognize it. This is an example of trusting the process.

Dealing with PTSD on top of relapses was also incredibly difficult for me. Every time I thought I had gotten over a certain trigger, out of nowhere It would trigger me again. I couldn’t drive going east on the expressway for an entire year. I’ve been triggered going to malls, diners, book shops, beaches, stores, and the list would go on. I lived in fear. Flashbacks were horrifying. I felt stuck in my past looping over and over again in my head and it was like I could feel everything again. Sometimes I would even dissociate again as I did in the moment I was stuck in. To those reading who think dissociation is simply gazing off or zoning out, let me educate you really quick. “Dissociation is a mental process of disconnecting from one's thoughts, feelings, memories or sense of identity.” There was nothing scarier to me than those moments when I would be hysterically crying and in inconceivable pain, and like a switch being flipped the crying just stopped and I suddenly felt nothing anymore.  My eyes would glaze over and my body would fall limp. I wasn’t a person anymore. I had no identity. I was a body with no consciousness.I had no internal dialogue, no feelings, just numbness. It’s so difficult to put into words, but those times trigger me the most. I know it was my body and mind’s way of alleviating my pain, but there is something so disturbing about it. Reliving enough pain to go back into a dissociative state is the reality of PTSD. Although I’ve gotten over many of my triggers, as I’ve said, I relapsed with them many times again and again. As always, I have to include some journals from that time. Maybe some of the things I said, you’re saying to yourself right now. Just know, these thoughts are normal, and they do pass. I am happy to say I don’t have these thoughts at all anymore, and I learned to trust myself and the process of healing enough to know that feeling low doesn’t mean I failed. 

Note: I only modified these journals to include what was relevant to this particular topic.

My first journal is the definition of “Trouble in paradise”!

“It is currently 12 am— eastern time I think? I’m on the plane on my way to Greece and I can’t sleep because I’m having flashbacks. I wish it would stop. I haven’t had this happen to me in so long and I’m not sure what’s triggering it— maybe the fact that it’s summer months again or I have time to think about it. I feel weak thinking about it and I even feel myself projecting forward to when I have to tell people in the future or if I run into him and collapse from the trauma. My brain keeps running through the scenarios which I genuinely haven’t had in so long and it’s making me upset because I feel like I can’t escape my past. Can I not forgive myself? Do I think it could’ve ended differently deep down? I almost feel like I went through so much abuse and it doesn’t matter to anyone. No one knows what it was like to be in that relationship except me. I know what I went through. And yet I’m so scared to be invalidated by future relationships friends or boyfriends. I wish my PTSD would go away and my obsessiveness over my trauma. I just keep analyzing everything I went through over and over and over and I’m TIRED. I forgot how this is. I can’t sleep. This is so shitty because I’m so tired but I needed to get my feelings out in any way shape or form.

I’m scared that I will relapse. 

I won’t let myself. I am strong. I am not the same girl. I will not let my past control my present.

I say these things and yet I can’t make them feel true right now. 

I feel so stuck 

In this same cycle

What if I never get out 

What if the same thing happens over and over.

I looked back at pictures of when I didn’t eat

and I wanted to feel and look like that again

that is the scariest fucking thought to me.

am I relapsing 

I cant

why do I feel like this then

I try so hard

but I feel like I am still being choked by my past

and I spend everyday trying to take a full breath

and some days it seems I breathe so effortlessly 

to the people

on the outside

when I know inside 

I have to fight

so hard

just to take that breath.

As I near the fall I am in a panic 

I know my PTSD will get triggered a lot more in this season

I just want to escape him. I don’t want anyone to know anything about me anymore. I don’t even tell anyone if I’m upset. No one should know.

I think this is my newest form of trying to hurt myself.

My way to make myself suffer without anyone knowing about it.”

It’s funny to me looking back because no one knew I was having any thoughts like these on this wonderful trip. Not the people I was with, and certainly not my instagram followers who only get to see the cool travel pictures I shared. I’m sure my life looked perfect through that lens, but it was anything but. 

I spoke about feeling stuck in the cycle of relapses and triggers, and while it is cyclic in its nature, it passes. Every day and every experience I have, I leave another trigger behind me. Everyone does things in their own time, and it will never match up with someone else. Everyone processes things in their own way. Do not be upset with yourself for not overcoming something faster. Do not feel shame in being triggered. It will happen, but you will overcome it eventually and you won’t even realize! 

Another trigger that I deal with learning to control, as I mentioned, is when I start talking to someone romantically again. 

“I’m having self destructive thoughts today which is not usual for me. I think i’m under a lot of stress. The biggest change is that I have feelings for someone and I think it’s impacting me a lot.

I’m not sure how to deal with it.

I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not

I feel very vulnerable

It feels constantly like something will go wrong 

nothing usually works for me 

and I feel such an urge to just isolate to protect myself

I feel like I am incapable of being loved.

I always feel on edge because I think a person Is faking it.

I think this because when ***** and ****** manipulated and abused me I thought that meant love. But I was manipulated into thinking that so how do I know now if someone is really feeling like that towards me. Can someone feel like that towards me?

Are people capable of loving and caring about me in a really true and healthy way? 

It’s hard to picture anyone liking me or wanting to spend time with me or thinking about me like that.”

As I build up love for myself, I outgrow these thoughts. I do think I am worthy of being loved. I realized vulnerability is one of the best things because it allows in the possibility for something great. My ability to take that risk and open myself up even after everything, shows the beauty in my hope in people. It shows my comfort with myself to show people who I really am, as I am doing in this blog. Recognize the vulnerability you gave the person that hurt you and see it as your greatest strength instead. This has helped me the most in overcoming that trigger. Remind yourself that expression and openness are beautiful things that you practice. Although you got hurt, you took a chance to experience something great. 

Lastly, the relapse that lasts weeks or months at a time.

“This is a difficult journal for me to write, nonetheless it needs to be done. I am not happy right now. I’m pretending that I am everyday, yet tonight when I was in a room full of my friends I never felt more alone. It’s frustrating to know I was the best I ever was 2 months ago and now I’m afraid of relapsing. I can’t stay home alone anymore. My mind drifts so dark. I know better than to do anything bad to myself, and I don’t want to, but, my mind slips in little things like,” what if I don’t eat today? I feel like u should do that.” And again I feel so numb, and my mind says,” I know what will make you feel something. Cut. Just cut your legs.” And I tell myself no. I would never want to hurt myself like that I love myself. Why are those thoughts still there?

This season is all triggers for me. I’m managing. 

I went to the soccer tournament that he accused me of cheating the same day of last year. The same day I tried to cut myself. I got through the day, but not without feeling like I wasn’t all there. It feels like no one cares about me. It feels like every area of my life is crumbling and I’m struggling to stay intact.  It makes me wonder if I was the problem.”

When I feel myself having old thoughts, it often helps to recognize them for what they are… OLD thoughts. They don’t just go away because you got better. They come back. But it’s what you do with them when they come back that defines you. Not the thoughts themselves. I find it best to feel the emotions out and understand that they’re temporary. I trust myself enough to know that they are not forever thoughts, just products of an ugly past. But that’s exactly what it is. The past. Not the future. It is okay to relapse. It is okay to still have triggers. Just know that everything is temporary and trust yourself to deal with the challenges as they arise. There will always be new challenges, but you are braver and stronger. No one can take those things away from you. You are your greatest power. Whatever you’re going through, you will overcome. You are alive. You are strong. You are not alone.